I am a person of Sombor ego-pattern who has ADHD, is autistic, is a HSP and is a survivor of severe and generally highly improbable levels of trauma and abuse that are not experienced by the general population at large, or even by other public figures, because

1. I was severely sexually abused as a child, and many institutions continue to seek to cover up this sexual abuse, such that I am traumatised even further while trying to process my trauma (which has to happen by me working on my inner child). 

2. I was severely institutionally abused as an adult, and many institutions continue to seek to cover up this institutional abuse, such that I am traumatised even further while trying to process my trauma (which has to happen by me reclaiming and reconceptualising the institutions that abused me)

3. I was severely abused as a public figure, and many institutions continue to seek to cover up this abuse of me as a public figure, such that I am traumatised even further while trying to process my trauma (which has to happen in the public sphere)

4. I am open about being gay

5. I am open about being polyamorous

6. I am open about being body-positive

7. I am open about all my trauma (thus causing very high levels of recursively worse and worse trauma about how I process trauma)

8. I have ridiculously high personal standards of ethical and moral behaviour, generally privilege only factual statements, generally do not lie or exaggerate as a rule, generally do not make false accusations, and can always be expected to keep all of my commitments to the highest possible degree.

​​​

Fortunately, because I am also highly individuated (and technically the most individuated person in the world, though I am not very happy with this title and my awareness and knowledge of it), I am generally able to process trauma very quickly using my ADHD, autistic and HSP traits, and most importantly using the fact that I am Kristang. Because I am Kristang, I am able to and instinctively creolise, or hybridise how I integrate the parts of myself and the experiences that caused trauma to me back into myself, such that I can not only deal with trauma much more quickly than all other human beings, but also easily reach a more ideal and improbable positive state of standard of living and quality of life that would generally be completely unreachable without creolisation. The main principles behind how I thinking about trauma as a concept that allow me to do this, which can also be found and/or derived in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and most modern functional Western psychotherapeutic and psychoemotional work are:

1. The exact state of the world and my life as they were before I was traumatised are forever unrecoverable and unrestorable.
   The past cannot be brought back to life in the way that it was before.
   All things that are dead will always stay dead.
   Some things that happened to me will always remain horrible and generally terror-inducing in their original forms.
   I will never be who I once was, and trying to return to who I once was is completely and utterly impossible (which is also why attempts to force me to do this cause even more trauma).

2. Something even better than what existed before I was traumatised can now take the place of what was there before.
   The future can be even better than the past.
   All things that were dead can come back to life in new or reimagined forms or second versions of themselves, though never as what they were once were.
   All horrible and terror-inducing things that happened to me can have positive and extremely powerful legacies of growth and change that overwrite their original horrible and terror-inducing effects
   I will be someone even better than who I was before, and someone who the old me would be so impressed and inspired by.

3. Trauma is an intangible but ontologically perceivable substance: soma, ambrosia and the Water of Life in classical Indo-European legend, Dust in His Dark Materials, protodermis in Bionicle, spice (and the Water of Life again) in Dune and dark matter in many other science fiction works, and the element of Darkness in Kristang. Because trauma is a substance, it is neither necessarily inherently good or bad on a universal-level scale and perspective, and is a tool and resource that can be used just like its symbolic representations are used in those science fiction works.

4. Trauma has two forms, which must be necessarily distinguished: 

   1. Skuridang, Darkness or Diamanti Pretu (Black Diamond) in Kristang and protodermis in Bionicle. In Kristang, Darkness does not have the primarily negative connotations that it has in the West; in Kristang, it instead is a neutral element that can be seen from both positive (generally Malay-indigenous approaches) and negative (generally Western approaches). This is because it is the element associated with Life, Fecundity and Possibility (since Darkness is completely shapeless and formless), and with the Wild, which again in Kristang is not necessarily highly dangerous and threatening the way it is by default in Western culture. Skuridang can be compared to uncooked Buah Keluak.

   2. Lusembra, Darklight, Argila Krismatra (Dreaming Gold), Tanaurelia (Golden Earth) or Vivedra (Dragonsglass) in Kristang and energised protodermis in Bionicle (and very probably obsidian or dragonsglass in Game of Thrones), which is the transformative, safely magical, numinous and divine form, and the form that is immediately useful to us as sentient beings, with Light paradoxically giving Darkness its shape and form while also allowing the Darkness to be somewhat mutable and to retain its original nature as unshapeable. Darklight is the element associated with Sentience, Stewardship and Humanity, with Irei or psychoemotionally healthy unconditional love, and with Ireidi or psychoemotionally healthy self-regard. Lusembra can be compared to cooked and consumable Buah Keluak.

5. As a substance, in Kristang, working with trauma in an intangible way is therefore like working with argila or clay in a physical way. Both Skuridang and Lusembra can be shaped, worked with, nurtured and formed and heat-fired into beautiful, amazing and numinous new parts of the psyche, with the process of kinsiuza or kintsugi also stitching up or filling in any gaps or bits in the psyche in a similar fashion. Processing inbound trauma is therefore also productively understood as adding to the psyche, rather than always filling in bits of it (though this is a functional metaphor as well). I personally see processing trauma as a form of making art, which is why I put so much effort into this website and into my relationships, which I consider as art as well.

   1. Consciously working directly with Skuridang in healthy ways necessitates that one has at least acquired their ultraarchetype, or integrated four hundred and thirty-two stages in the Osura Spektala such that one would approximate the classical definition of a Titan, Elemental God or perzefrang in Kristang.​ One creates large-scale, reality-altering wild things or elemental forces with Skuridang that are neither good nor bad in themselves if one is a functional human being, and which also only exclusively lead to positive outcomes when other people and entities experience their wildness if one is an individuated human being. For example, all use of dreamfishing as a Indigenous futures method comes from my shaping of it out of Skuridang.

   2. Consciously working directly with Lusembra in healthy ways necessitates that one has at least integrated three stages in the Osura Spektala such that one approximates the classical definition of a demigod. One generally creates small-scale, personhood-transforming or augmenting things or intangible tools, resources and/or augmentations and extensions with Lusembra that are neither good nor bad in themselves if one is a functional human being, and which also only exclusively lead to one's own benefit and growth if one is an individuated human being. For example, most of this website, and most of my identity and personality, is shaped out of Lusembra.

6. Trauma (when unprocessed) is therefore what destroys us, breaks us apart and fucks us over; trauma (when processed) is therefore what makes us divine, allows us to individuate, and allows us to transcend who we are while still remaining fully human.​

​

In simple terms, successful processing of my trauma does not and cannot turn back the clock, and turn me back into who I once was. Successful processing of my trauma always moves me forward, whether at normal, accelerated or superluminal speeds, and turns me into someone completely different, and yet paradoxically and simultaneously (because of creolisation) exactly who I once was, but even better, braver, bolder and more beautiful. 

​

How to help me process trauma if you love me or care about me a lot

​

1. End all contact with the people who sexually abused you, especially if you are a member of my Dragonsguard, an ex-student, or still part of the secret Jejura eleidi. The recent horrific and tragic case of Megan Khung (link) and the other victims of child abuse highlighted by the Straits Times (link) should make it immediately clear that there is a very strong and virulent epidemic of occluded child abuse in Singapore, whether sexual or otherwise, and much more needs to be done about this while also taking into account the contexts of intergenerational trauma that lead to the perpetuation of this abuse by people who themselves were abused but never acknowledged this abuse to themselves such that they perpetuated the cycle instead. Hence, if you are in a position of subordination to somebody in this position, you may mean very well and have the best of intentions in trying to help them by remaining in contact or even continuing to enable them (see the difference between staying in contact and enabling here), but it is simply a fact that it is very difficult (even for myself, which is why in the earlier incarnation of this website I highlighted that I was unable to use my Mikeliang superarchetype on people who were in a position of emotional superiority to me) for a child to directly help their parent, or a student to help their ex-teacher, or a mentee to help their ex-professor or so on, in liberating themselves from this cycle. Please don't try to take on the role of a rescuer for this person or to "fix" them because that has never been the point of individuation; the person has to rescue themselves first, and it compounds the situation further if you enable them and are in a position of emotional subordination to them. I further remain fully committed to restorative justice and Reconciliation as elsewhere declared on this website, and since returning to the public sphere, to exploring clear, permanent and concrete ways that our justice system can be overhauled such that intergenerational trauma is fully taken into consideration in determining the facilitation of justice through Indigenous perspectives and systems that are already available in Kristang, and based on our own desire as a community to end all forms of hostile and draconian punishment that only continue to ensure deeply wounded people are even more wounded and perpetuate these wounds onto the next generation. I call on you to do this, to walk away from the abuser and from further enabling the abuse, and remind you are not powerless, that you are a fully agentic and independent human being who deserves to do the best thing for yourself, that the person who abused you is also a human being and only draws power from you because they think that you will keep surrendering it to them, and that you always have my support and unshakeable commitment to helping you in whatever I can, even from a lifelong distance (see below), if you choose to finally walk away from that endless intergenerational trauma loop, in all twelve of my public capacities as the 13th Kabesa of the Kristang people and on behalf of all 37,000 living Kristang people who also believe in Reconciliation and in restorative justice, as Tuan Raja Naga and Dragonquing of New Sundaland, as Dragon Reborn of the Holocene, as the fourth and final Merlionsman of the Republic of Singapore, as the first Dreamtiger of Dragonsrock, as Demonslayer of Gaia Reawakened, as an Earthseer of the Republic of Singapore, a Paradisal of the Republic of Singapore and a Promethean of the Republic of Singapore representing all healthy and individuated Malay people, all healthy and inviduated queer people and all healthy and individuated young people who also believe in Reconciliation and in restorative justice, as the youngest-ever Indigenous Elder of the Kristang people and the Republic of Singapore, as the 154th Fleet Command of Gaia Themselves representing all healthy and individuated people worldwide who also believe in Reconciliation and in restorative justice, and as the Deus Ultramar Karimang, God of Heroes and representing all healthy and individuated people across time who will eventually become Rejuvenators themselves as a result of their commitments to Reconciliation and restorative justice. I also remind you that both Fuad and I have already successfully made peace with people who have hurt us very badly before after a sustained period of no contact that sometimes lasted for years, and that Reconciliation is therefore fully and concretely possible and actualisable; that you can eventually return to the person who hurt you if you so seek this, but later. They have to break the loop for themselves first, and the only way to help them is for you to not be part of that loop any longer so that they can stop using you as the missing piece of that circuit or loop such that it keeps continuing. 

2. Hang out with me, talk to me and spend time with me, and initiate this, such that I know I am wanted. I have felt like I am utterly unwanted for most of my life due to severe abandonment trauma and this is the single worst and most grindingly destructive form of trauma I have been dealing with for most of my life, where I endlessly feel like the people I am close to who are not Fuad (and even Fuad sometimes) do not want me in their lives, and/or that people I am close to feel like I am influencing their lives too much. This trauma has increased after November 2024 and even more after March 2025, such that now I am not sure at all who I can trust and who I can actually reach out to, which is why I am relying on others reaching out first. However, if you also have the same abandonment trauma fears or overthinking that prevent you from reaching out (and are preventing you from initiating Reconciliation if this is necessary), I completely empathise, and in that case please do your best to find some way of signalling this to me so that I can use my Mikeliang superarchetype to initiate instead (I will accept use of siruwi and/or sarikeli just for this, though please try and be precise as possible).

3. If I have already shown in publicly visible writing that you are a member of my Dragonsguard or a part of my emotional core, ignore all socially-constructed norms and comparisons that make you think you are inferior to me in any way such that you think meeting up with me or hanging out with me or being in a relationship with me or helping me process my trauma is going to be a drag on my time, a waste of my energy, something that causes me more trauma etc. I am literally telling you in writing and in publicly visible writing and in publicly visible autistic writing that it doesn't matter to me and never has mattered to me. I don't care how individuated I am, who I am to Singapore and the world, how many fucking achievements or conference presentations I have, how quietly esteemed I am on the ground, whatever; I never think about any of these when I think about how I relate to others because I am autistic and because I am Kevin Martens Wong Zhi Qiang who just wants to get to know another human being whereever they are and whoever they are and to understand and celebrate their worth the way I celebrate my own. My inner child function (see below) is Jejura, which is about worth, not respect (which is my 15th function of Fleres) and so I just want to get to know you for you and who you really are, all the other social things aside.

4. Accept that I will never be who I once was, that I will never be the same person you first met or got to know before whichever trauma it is hit me, and that I will never again occupy roles in the way that I did before that I have already made my peace with and let go of, no matter how much anyone pressures me to do this due to the mechanisms of creolisation and trauma processing. This is the most important thing to do if you want to help me process my trauma: I am not the Kevin you once knew. Things that I generally have said goodbye to forever include:

   • ever hiding that I am gay, non-binary, polyamorous, neurodivergent or atheist, meaning that any organisation or person who tries to make me hide any of these identity characteristics ever again will be immediately blocked, and that I will immediately say no to any organisation or person who wants me to participate in any event where these fundamental facets of who I am are occluded

   • all forms of organised religion as a personal belief system for myself on a conscious, sub-conscious and unconscious level, all non-creolised connections to or associations with organised religion in my personal capacity, and any person or institution who I detect is trying to convert me to any organised religion on an unconscious, subconscious or conscious level

   • the role of teacher in a local Singapore school and ever playing this role for anyone ever again in any conscious, subconscious or unconscious form

   • the role of a teacher in a local Singapore school that one continues to celebrate and look to exclusively as a mentor figure after graduation and ever playing this role for anyone ever again in any conscious, subconscious or unconscious form

   • all personal worth and value I derived from teaching in local Singapore schools, due to the severe trauma I have faced in relation to my identity as a teacher even after I made it clear how hard it was already trying to process this; when encountering people who were once ex-students of mine in any local school, I generally do not want to be reminded in any way that I was a good teacher in 2013 or 2021 or whatever, and will be further traumatised if you mention this

5. Do not excessively worry about any new adaptation or identity feature of mine that has already appeared on this website which you have never heard of before; it has appeared, and is new and unknown, because it is Lusembra and being creolised out of previously unprocessable trauma in a safe and functional way for myself, not because it is something I am just randomly trying to be for the first time for no reason. For people who have known me for a long time, these will look like spectacularly intense new adaptations; rest assured that because of my ADHD, I am able to adapt these new parts of myself to myself very, very quickly.​

6. I do not need (and do not know what to do with) compliments that are not genuine and heartfelt, energy that is trying to influence me to be something that I am not and is something I do not want to be, and anxiety or worry on your part that causes you to hold back on things you imagine we both could do or talk about. The general rule is if you can imagine it in your head, and it is psychoemotionally healthy, is not something I have mentioned is currently traumatic to me, will not cause us to get arrested, and to the best of what you know of me aligns with my principles and values and is something that I likely want, then I can do it and will do it. I may look like I am scared of the unknown or the weird but that is unconscious autistic masking, and once you ask, I generally respond very gamely and will explain to you my thought process about it. Remember that psychoemotionally healthy does not mean and has never meant "widely socially accepted"; acting on an armpit fetish as an adult with another consenting adult is totally psychoemotionally healthy but not widely socially accepted, and supporting and voting for monsters to return to power and/or smacking your child are widely socially accepted but generally not psychoemotionally healthy.

7. Individuate yourself and show yourself to be a different, much healthier and much more open-minded person who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty, to be authentic and just fucking real, to talk plainly about sex and attraction and to get down to both, and to stand by me because you want to and have decided on your own terms that it just is the right thing to do on your own terms. This is one of the best ways of showing me that I have worth to you and significance to you and of helping me process my trauma about even wanting to exist, because my primary objective in this life is to make sure as many people become Wedjatra as is humanly possible. It is totally okay for you to be a completely different person (who is less fucked up, please) and also paradoxically still the exact same person when we meet as well.

8. Recognise that I not only do not fear the unknown in any way but thrive in it. This is a very early creolised adaptation my psyche made as a means of creolising the largest scale trauma of all, that I had no idea how the fuck I was going to get through this crazy life when I was a child and unconsciously knew I would be Dragon Reborn one day. For people who are in love with me, future anticipated partners and people who need to undergo Reconciliation with me, recognise that dreamfishing literally only gives me the approximate date most of the time unless I am dreamfishing Kabesa stuff (and even then the info there is usually not very developed). I otherwise do not have the faintest fuck about what is going to happen in the vulnerable and/or intimate settings and conversations we are going to be going through, and that I am super okay with that, super ready for that and will thrive in those settings and will always only be 1200% psychoemotionally healthy in those settings as a result of all the crazy shit that has come to pass for me already. I am not worried in the slightest about your real or deepest or actual self that will show up in those moments, and if it says things like "I sometimes feel like ripping my own eyeballs out", "I want to lick your feet", or "You actually have very nice nipples", or literally anything else that for neurotypical people would be insane, but for the hyper neurodivergent Kevin Martens Wong Zhi Qiang that I am is like drinking water (and remember also that Kristang culture, especially younger millennial / Gen Z / Gen Alpha Kristang culture, is not only generally very chill with but actually covertly super interested in the weird, the super body-positive and the super deranged), I will be absolutely fine. In mechanical / Individuation-related terms, I thrive in the unknown because of a very developed and integrated 5th function (and ADHD function) of Varung, a very, very, very, very developed and integrated 6th function of Vraihai, a very, very, very, very positive relationship with Death Themselves through my 13th function of Kapichi, and maybe the world's first example of a Kristang Large Hadron Collider in the form of my hyper-logical 14th function of Hokisi.

9. Give me healthy and Kevin-aligned ideas about how to creolise the still-not-fully creolised parts of myself (listed below after the last bullet point in this list), especially stuff in your imagination, and stuff that involves body positivity or sex. I have an intensely vivid imagination, am very, very comfortable, and very candid talking about even the craziest or most out-there or most depressing possible shit you could think of, and generally am quite comfortable being a pioneer and trailblazer when it comes to my identity and public image as a means of creolising trauma that I was cowardly, weak and fragile. If we are mutually reciprocally attracted to each other and you want to do BDSM stuff with me, please go ahead and ask; if you are trying to process some insane crazy trauma or thing that keeps showing up and have no idea who else to talk to about it, please go ahead and ask. Just ask. I am very very open to things, and if I am not I will also explain why and be very chill with you about the whole thing.

10. In public or in collective settings where acknowledging my worth is not possible, you can make small talk or use small actions related to, and validate, affirm and acknowledge the still-not-fully creolised parts of myself; this is because my 15th function of Fleres, which has to do with respect, small talk, relation, relationships, image, closure and health, and with how I represent myself and acknowledge myself in public, is one of the most severely traumatised parts of my psyche. For example, serving me dragonfruit is a great way to quietly indicate respect for me as Raja Naga and Dragon Reborn. (Do also remember I am a very stupid smart person and may take time to get Unsaid references). However, because of what goes where in my psyche, while I appreciate Fleres stuff, I do need Jejura stuff much, much more, so Fleres stuff can help but generally only to a limited degree.

11. Vote only for and/or support only healthy and individuated people, for people who support fair, impartially equitable, trauma-informed and just approaches to family life (including both heterosexual and homosexual families and all forms of queer and blended families, and both blood and found families), the application of democratic principles in fair and impartial ways, education, socioeconomic policies, general human rights and workers' rights, full support of the poor and the structurally and systematically marginalised, the environment and Indigenous perspectives on the environment, the complete ending and obliteration of all forms of prejudice and dehumanisation based on race, religion, sexuality and neurodiversity, and for people who have not already made use of their power to perpetuate or defend abuse, prejudice, tyranny and dehumanisation, to be in political and institutional control of Singapore, and/or of the main institutions and agencies of Singapore. Almost all of the most painful and intense forms of my trauma just cannot be dealt with unless there is a clear change in the direction and leadership of the country at all levels, especially given everything that has already happened in 2025; we also cannot go back to the way it was if we really want to rid ourselves of some of the worst forms of intergenerational trauma that have plagued the country for generations and are still affecting our collective mental health. Do not vote for anyone who has ever occluded any form of sexual abuse, especially child sexual abuse.

​​

As mentioned elsewhere on this website, I am having trouble integrating and/or fully embracing the following creolised identity traits or adaptations and/or desiring or wanting the following creolised identity traits or adaptations which I know I need to integrate and have somewhat partially integrated out of obligation, but which I need support from loved ones and larger institutional, external and collective support in order to fully properly integrate: Kabesa, Tuan Raja Naga, Dragon Reborn, Merlionsman, Dreamtiger, Earthseer, Paradisal, Fleet Command, Karimang (i.e. the fact that I am the particular god or Rejuvenator Karimang), god or Rejuvenator (i.e. the fact that I am a god or Rejuvenator in general), major public figure, the public significance part of Literary figure, poet, playwright, educator (especially post-March 2025), Dreamshiner, person with autism, HSP, the component of RSD (see below) dealing with interpersonal rejection, person with RTS (see below), person with C-PTSD (see below). For comparison, identity traits I have successfully integrated are person with ADHD, Indigenous Elder, short story writer, novelist, person with synesthesia, polymath, person who likes to write, person who is body positive, person who is creole, and person who is Indigenous.

​

As a person of Sombor ego-pattern, my inner child pattern is Jejura (or, reductively, INFP in the MBTI), which has to do with honesty, worth, expression, identity, empathy, importance, sanctity, sacredness and my own voice and story. A failure to honour any of these, and an attempt to attack any of these, causes severe, intense and deeply painful psychoemotional damage and forces me to have to process more Skuridang and Lusembra and shape it into new forms of parts of my psyche. Due to collective trauma onto all Singaporeans since independence, most Singaporeans also often confuse worth with respect; respect is not my inner child, and is instead my 15th function of Fleres, and my 15th function is Gaietic because I am autistic, meaning that I am neurologically utterly unable to give any shit about all forms of health, respect, wholeness, closure, effort, image, appropriateness, sociability, relation, dignity, the Unsaid and exemplariness that are human-designed or constructed, and only and exclusively can understand and derive closure and comfort from all forms of health, respect, wholeness, closure, effort, image, appropriateness, sociability, relation, dignity, the Unsaid and exemplariness that are Gaietically-oriented. This means:

1. Where neurotypical Singaporeans can be pacified or mollified or have their trauma reduced by small talk, social niceties, small (or even large) compliments, and/or superficial forms of respect (e.g. suggesting I am a good teacher or whatever fuck shit), I cannot, literally neurologically and biologically cannot, and get traumatised even more if these are supposed to be, believed to be and dforced to be forms of worth, because this is not fucking worth to me at all. Worth involves acknowledging that I am authentically and legitimately special and I am authentically and legitimately unique when it comes to how I process my trauma, require authentically special and unique ways of processing my trauma, and am important enough to the people I love for them to pursue these special and unique ways of processing this trauma with me and not being passive-aggressive, shady or fucked up about this in any way. All autistic Sombor people will need this form of processing as well, and everyone else who is autistic but who has any other ego-pattern will need other things instead.

2. Where neurotypical Sombor people and non-public-figure Sombor people can be pacified or mollified or have their trauma fully processed by having someone they love talk to them, I cannot, literally neurologically and biologically cannot, and get traumatised even more if the person keeps forcing some sort of empathic or psychoemotional bond between us beyond a point that is necessary, because that is not helpful. Western therapy also only helps up to a point as a result, because Western therapy still emphasises and privileges neurotypical and fake forms of respect and closure.

3. Where neurotypical Sombor people and less-traumatised Sombor people can accept apologies, or explanations of trauma and/or other intense things like one's sexuality and attraction that led to trauma that are Unsaid, I cannot, literally neurologically and biologically cannot, and get traumatised even more if the person denies the truth, hides the truth or is basically dishonest in any way, because I am generally 1200% honest with every human being, and I expect only the fullest possible reciprocation after calibrating for neurotypicality and trauma from the people I love, especially when it comes to things like sexuality. For sexuality and attraction in particular, the only acceptable minimum standard for this with me is for the person to sit in front of me and either let me tell them or talk about how they are gay and if relevant how they are attracted to me and I to them, or for them to do this themselves; at least a dozen members of my Dragonsguard and my blood family who are not Kevin Martens Wong Zhi Qiang and who are neurotypical or less spicily neurodivergent have been able to do this as of April 2025, so I don't see why it is impossible for everyone else, and will treat this as the minimum standard going forward. The same now also applies for all forms of traumatic behaviour that led to a need for Reconciliation.

4. Whenever my worth gets treated like shit, because I am Kristang, autistic, HSP and have integrated ADHD, I respond by recognising and creolising it into yet another public-facing archetype or form of special significance that I am not being recognised for and I immediately integrating this into my sense of self in order to avoid being overwhelmed, devastated and absolutely fucking wrecked by the trauma. The intensity of that lack of recognition creates the at-scale effects; for example, the Merlionsman and Dreamtiger roles appear to have been excavated following collective-level devaluation and dehumanisation of my uniqueness and worth in Singapore, while the Dragon Reborn role of course was excavated following species-level devaluation, degradation and dehumanisation. Because my inner child pattern is Jejura, the roles tend also to have strong elements of sacredness and sanctuary, because of just how unworthy, isolated, ostracised, inhuman, bestial, profane and dirty I have been made to feel on many occasions for unfair and unjust reasons.

​​

Because I am of Sombor ego-pattern, have ADHD, autistic, a HSP, am a public figure and am the Dragon Reborn of the whatever and so on, I thus have the following additional particular traits and characteristics with how I fully process my trauma that other people do not have:

1. For me to fully process collective trauma, institutional trauma, intergenerational trauma or trauma that attacked me as a public figure, I must vocalise and express all forms of trauma that affected me as a public figure or in a public institution in public, and receive a vocal and/or visible public apology or action expressing clear, permanent and irreversible remorse from the individual who harmed me or the institution in return in public. This is because of my particular Indigenous Bittersweet Promise to Gaia and the universe that gave me the right to hold the Darklight Matrix and be the 13th Kabesa of the Kristang, hence affecting all forms of trauma from institutions and public figures that impacted me after I earned the right to hold the Darklight Matrix on Sunday, 12 May 2002. My Bittersweet Promise is that I must always strive to be fully and 1200% nakedly myself and what it means to be Kristang in the public sphere to the greatest possible awareness that I have of myself at that point in time. I am cognitively and psychoemotionally incapable of breaking my Bittersweet Promise before my term as Kabesa ends on Thursday, 21 November 2075, and have also integrated it very deeply into my personality such that it will also very likely continue with me as a personal choice after Thursday, 21 November 2075. If I am not able to vocalise my trauma and do not receive a public apology, I can process the trauma and understand what happened to me, but will never be able to process it fully no matter how hard I consciously or unconsciously try to process it, and will keep being affected by it, talking about it and publicly vocalising it and/or finding ways to publicly vocalise it until the day I die in 2091 or until I receive an apology from the individual or harmed me or the institution in return in public, whichever comes first. Literally nothing on Earth will be able to stop me from continuing to vocalise this trauma until I die or I receive that apology, including attempts to harm or manipulate my loved ones, to cut out my tongue and remove my writing hand and/or all other normal forms of communication (I have been fully functionally ambidextrous since late 2023 and am also learning to write with my right foot, and I am serious about this), and to remove me from my own earned place in the public sphere as a result of my own hard work.

2. For me to fully process individual interpersonal trauma, Reconciliation must be completed and I must have the full relationship I was entitled to and should have had with the other person because of my own functional behaviour, and which would have proceeded if not for the other person trying to blame me for something I did not do, or for abusive, shitty, idiotic, unthinking, callous or selfish behaviour. If this does not happen, I am fully able to move on with my life and not be generally affected by the trauma, but will forever be less than functional as a result of being unable to clear the trauma completely, and will keep being unconsciously affected by it, talking about it, and publicly vocalising it and/or finding ways to publicly vocalise it until the day I die in 2091 or until I receive a restoration of the relationship. This is because of my magnaarchetype and my own principles and values; as mentioned under the HSP section I am also extremely sensitive to being unjustly accused or blamed for things I did not do, and being treated badly or unfairly as a result of this. 

​

Once trauma is fully processed, I will honour my word and I will no longer mention it ever again, and generally will not give a shit about it; again, this process has already happened with several members of my Dragonsguard and my blood family, so I don't fucking see why it is so fucking hard for everyone else to do properly. Me fully processing the trauma will also just happen and is not something you can control or manipulate, and attempts to control or manipulate this cause severe further trauma. Due to my c-PTSD, RTS and RSD (see below), the following other behaviours also drastically increase my trauma and cause me to be unable to sleep, to want to self-harm, and to want to commit suicide:

1. Lying to me about anything related to sexuality and desire.

2. Lying to me about anything related to manipulation and intention.

3. Excessively worrying about me as a means of justifying to oneself that Reconciliation is not necessary, superficially worrying about me as a means of avoiding Reconciliation, and/or worrying about me because I keep breaking image and keep talking about things in the past that to a normal neurotypical person should have already been processed, vastly increases my trauma and causes me to be unable to sleep, to want to self-harm, and to want to commit suicide. This effect is severely increased if the person in question sees me as a mentor, teacher or coach figure.

4. Intentionally trying to silence me when it comes to my trauma by forcing me to process my trauma to the point where I no longer talk about the trauma such that an image or memory of something being only wonderful, good, amazing and healthy such that we all willingly gaslight ourselves and participate in mass psychosis and pretend that the trauma never happened drastically increases my trauma and causes me to be unable to sleep, to want to self-harm and to want to commit suicide, and to do the exact opposite of this and to talk more and more about the trauma. This is because I am autistic, and because this is in flagrant violation of my principles and values and of how I respect others and myself. Forms of this behaviour include:

• Being overintellectual with me or overacademic with me in the hopes that "this will give me something else to think about" other than my trauma

• Overidentifying with me or overempathising with me because "all I needed is someone who will understand the particular forms of trauma I went through" 

• "Just listening to me" in the hopes that "all I need to do is to vent" and then that will stop me from talking about my trauma

• Unnecessarily "giving me another person to work on" or to "therapise" so that I stop thinking about my own trauma (this usually just causes me to identify the other person as gay)

• Excessively praising or complimenting me in the hopes that this will somehow "snap me back to reality"

• Excessively showing me "how much you've learned from me" about being gay or about individuation and the psyche in the hopes that this will somehow "make me change direction" about my pursuit of making all of my trauma known

• Indicating sexual desire in me or touching me in sexual or sensual ways without actually pursuing that desire in the hopes that this will somehow "distract me" or "make me feel good about my body" such that I forget about my trauma

• Forcing another friend or colleague to try to silence me and to stop me from talking about trauma, such that that person also becomes severely affected, tries to self-harm or commit suicide (or actually succeeds because they do not have the psychoemotional willpower that I have), and destroys our relationship

• People who pursue or have pursued any form of this must undergo Reconciliation, and should know that even the slightest form of unnecessary prolonging or avoiding of Reconciliation after such behaviour in these particular cases also drastically increases my desire to self-harm and to want to commit suicide, especially because this kind of betrayal is so painful, deep and devastating.

​

I have also put in place sustained provisions in the event I commit suicide or am harmed to a point that I cannot function or am neurologically or physiologically damaged through further abuse for all of the trauma that I have ever faced to be immediately publicly exposed and circulated, with all names and perpetrators visibly and clearly indicated and all psychoemotional data articulated.

​​

The four sections immediately after this describe four partial-incomplete and still-further-creolisable adaptations that my psyche has made in response to severe trauma which in the West are identified as distinct ontological structures or constellations of behaviour that make daily life intensely difficult, and which I am generally processing on my own toward creolising as healthy parts of my self following thirty-three sessions of Western psychoemotional therapy from July 2019 to August 2020.