the jardine steps
By kevin martens wong zhi qiang
originally published Thursday, 13 april 2023
on tigri sa chang
Koitadu | Content warning
Please first read about my writing in the Skribadorang or Writing section on the Igleza page here before reading the piece below so you have advance warning about the rather spicy things that I often like to write about, and why I choose to write about them, especially in terms of subverting unhealthy stereotypes about gay people, Kristang people, Creole people, Indigenous people, masculinity, neurodivergence, the body, healthy forms of attraction and sexuality, and using my writing to process the severe individual, collective and inter-generational trauma and abuse I have faced across my life.
Harbourfront, late at night somewhere along the Sentosa-VivoCity boardwalk. Late, but not late enough for no one to be out and about; there’s still enough time left in the day for couples to be strolling, one or two families with kids still playing; an old Kristang grandmother, Scholastica, and her grandson, Nelson, waiting for something. Scholastica is holding an amulet, or talisman of some sort – not so exotic as to be (at least from Western eyes) unholy, but not quite familiar either.
Scholastica: So when I…I –
Nelson: Seng. When you summon the fella, Grandma.
Scholastica: Summon. Summon the fella that I want to summon. Whoever it is, I need to…yo misteh –
Nelson: – misteh nang fikah midu, Grandma.
Scholastica: (indignantly) Aiyoh, yo nadi fikah midu, lah! Your generation – always thinking that we are so pure, so korsang limpu, so neches – yo sa korsang teng –
Nelson: – buraku?
Scholastica mockingly pulls one of his ears, ready to give him one tight one.
Nelson: I’m just guessing from the fact that you want to use this thing at all (gesticulates in mock protest at the talisman/amulet). I mean –
Scholastica: Who did you contact? Who did you call out of the sea, huh? You never actually told me.
Nelson: (shambolically) A friend, I said.
Scholastica: (knowingly) What kind of friend?
Nelson: Obviously the kind I would want to see again, right?
Scholastica: Why so coy, ah? Isti malisozu.
Nelson: I inherited it from somewhere, lah huh?
Scholastica: I would be very upset if you hadn’t.
Nelson’s watch beeps.
Nelson: About three more minutes. So you know what to do?
Scholastica: Ya lah, I was testing you.
Nelson: So test me again?
Scholastica: You’d fail every time.
Nelson: I’d learn.
Scholastica: I have the full picture.
Nelson: Oh, now the image is clean, ah?
Scholastica: (reciting) In three minutes, wait for the bubbles, but not too many. There shouldn’t be any boats on the open water – they both peer out to sea – and if there are there won’t be anything, submarines don’t seem to count but no one is quite sure yet because no one is quite sure if there actually are any around. (Nelson nods approvingly). Turn isti chabi (indicating the key) –
Nelson: Oi, not yet lah! You want to waste a night?
Scholastica: I wasn’t going to. Excitable fella, ah?
Nelson: Again, I learn from the best. You go on please.
Scholastica: Chabi bai skerdu. Turn the key to the left, and then bai notrilesti – it must point northeast. Mas kara bai tarabara – the face must look northwest. Finally, when I have… I have…
Nelson: Is summoned really that hard a word to say?
Scholastica: No lah, it’s just…you know, the priests…we used to say this kind of word…even in Portugis, impoku suzu lah.
Nelson: But you also –
Scholastica: Ya lah, I know lah. Okay.
Nelson: How about, brought them back to life.
Scholastica: Maybe.
Nelson: Resurrected them.
Scholastica: No. Impodih lah, boy.
Nelson: Invited them to chat while undead.
Scholastica: (shudders and looks away) You are Eurasian. Brought them back is fine. After I have brought them back –
Nelson’s watch chimes.
Nelson: One minute to go. That’s the third time.
Scholastica: (muttering under her breath) Judah San Pedru, judah…
Nelson: What was that?
Scholastica: Oh, nothing.
Nelson: Okay. You know what to do ah.
Scholastica: Sertu sabeh. Deus pun sabeh.
Nelson: Bong.
A pause.
Scholastica: So…
Nelson: Why Nenek?
Scholastica: You’re just going to stand there?
Nelson: Can’t I?
Scholastica: Is that how these things work?
Nelson: I thought you were calling Grandpa.
Scholastica: You did?
Nelson: Who else would you call?
Scholastica: I’d appreciate some privacy.
Nelson: Hello. Auntie. We’re literally standing at the Harbourfront promenade.
Scholastica: We couldn’t have done this somewhere else?
Nelson: Grandma…it’s called the Chabi di Peu Jarding. It can only work –
Scholastica: (mournfully) I know. Isti yo kuniseh.
Nelson: (helplessly) At the Jardine Steps.
There are tears in Scholastica’s eyes.
Nelson: I can go. Pick you up later.
Scholastica: No.
Nelson: (sharply) Now you want me to stay? (much more gently) It’s okay. I didn’t realise –
Scholastica: (fearfully) I didn’t realise either. I didn’t imagine how it would be like.
Nelson’s watch beeps.
Nelson: It’s time. I can go. I will go.
Scholastica: (tearfully yet determinedly) No. It’s time.
Nelson: Are you sure?
Scholastica: Sertu sumpah na mang di Deus sa mai.
Nelson: …you know that in English that makes no –
Scholastica: Shut up! And let me drive!
Nelson: (smirking) Now we’ve arrived.
Scholastica does exactly as Nelson and her have described, and something does indeed arrive: wet, dripping and quite unbelievable to see.
Nelson: That’s…that’s not grandpa.
Scholastica: Is it dangerous?
Nelson: …no, not as far as I know. But –
Scholastica: So I don’t have to say, like, get behind me or something?
Nelson: Grandma, this is a Kristang charm.
Scholastica: It’s the cinema, lah. You know, the –
Nelson: Grandma! Just focus on your own story.
Scholastica: – romanticisation of it all.
The Apparition speaks.
The Apparition: Bloody swine, Lassie.
Nelson: Definitely a Eurasian story.
The Apparition: You couldn’t wait?
Scholastica: Wait for what?
The Apparition: Ja fikah belu lah!
Scholastica: Mas saodi di bos.
She weeps. Both Nelson and The Apparition look on in comfortable discomfort.
The Apparition: Numistih chomah kung bos.
Nelson's watch beeps.
Scholastica: Mistih.
Nelson: (whispering) Three minutes.
The Apparition: Ja chomah kung bos sa maridu?
Scholastica: I did not.
The Apparition: You loved him so much.
Scholastica: I did.
The Apparition: I'm sure you did.
Scholastica: Not in front of the boy.
The Apparition: (turning to Nelson, ruefully) She never told you.
Scholastica: Why would I?
Nelson: I mean, she has a point.
The Apparition shoots Nelson a look.
Nelson: (shrugs) Eurasians and their secrets. Live or die.
Scholastica: I am still your grandmother.
The Apparition: And what am I?
The Apparition disrobes, revealing herself to be a beautiful young Kristang woman. Scholastica sinks to her knees.
Scholastica: Don't look, Nel.
Nelson: I'm gay, Grandma. We've talked about this.
Scholastica: We haven’t.
Nelson: We’ve talked about it as best we can.
Scholastica: You never told me.
Nelson: I thought you knew.
A pause.
Nelson: (understanding) But I guess…I guess you do.
The Apparition: So.
Scholastica places her head on the floor.
Scholastica: (whispering) I was weak, Annie.
Nelson and The Apparition together: Bullshit.
The Apparition: Get up on your feet.
Scholastica: Yo impodih.
Nelson: You can.
Scholastica: (whispering) What you must think of me.
The Apparition: Why did you think of bringing him at all?
Nelson: I think –
He goes down to his grandmother's level, and embraces her, even as his watch beeps.
Scholastica: One minute left.
Nelson: I think I understand you a little better now.
The Apparition: Nang fikah raiba?
Nelson: (mimicking Scholastica from earlier) Pra ki kauzu? Why would I be? It doesn’t matter.
Scholastica: That's nonsense.
The Apparition: That's true.
Scholastica: (reaching out for her) You said I could have gone with you.
The Apparition: But you didn't.
Scholastica: All I ever wanted was to be with you. I can’t pretend.
Nelson: You came from a time when no one was free.
Scholastica: I never came out.
The Apparition: Well, technically I never did either.
Scholastica: But you never lost your fire.
The Apparition: Was there ever any doubt?
Nelson leads Scholastica to The Apparition, and they take each other’s hand.
Scholastica: I just wanted to say –
The Apparition touches one hand to Scholastica’s lips.
The Apparition: Nang falah. Be well.
Lights out. When they come on again, The Apparition is gone, with Scholastica still standing there with her hand outstretched.
Scholastica: I wanted –
Nelson: (shushing her) Like she said.
Scholastica: I know what she said.
Nelson takes Scholastica’s outstretched hand.
Scholastica: Was she real?
Nelson: That depends.
Scholastica embraces her grandson.
Scholastica: Falah falsu. That was a poor answer.
Nelson: It was never going to end.
Scholastica: But it was real enough for me.
Nelson: And in the end, that’s all there is.
Scholastica: You’re really…not mad?
Nelson breaks away from her embrace, now holding the chabi and looking away.
Nelson: Not really.
Scholastica: Not at all?
Nelson: Just sad.
Nelson throws the chabi off-stage and turns to Scholastica.
Nelson: I would have done the same, if that’s all I had.